Greg to Differ

It’s the classic image of paradise – blue water, swaying palm trees, and white sand stretching back into a gorgeous sunset. Throw in a couple of ladies massaging your feet and/or cooking you freshly-caught seafood and you’ve got pretty much any beach in Thailand… well, most of them, anyway. But I saw a picture about a year ago – not specifically about Thailand, but beaches in general – and it’s been bugging me ever since. It cropped up again today and I had to vent, so please excuse the release of a little bit of steam.

Let me just say that if you’ve never been to a tropical beach, there’s a big difference between what you see in a pic and imagine in your mind and real life. In movies and on TV, the actors are always well-lit and cooled by an ever-present breeze that blows their hair just so and makes seashell windchimes go tinkle, tinkle, tinkle in the distant background while the surf crashes gently over the sand. In the right setting and with the right conditions, hanging out on a beach can indeed be very much like this. But more often than not, I find it to be a bit  less… idyllic. That’s why this picture made me literally scoff out loud at the magazine I saw it in, and let me tell you, I only save my scoffs for special occasions.

Not seen: a 40x40 foot block of ice and a huge-ass fan six feet from his face.

Now, no disrespect to Sean “Pussy Galore” Connery, who looks better at 79 than I did at 22, but this picture is ridiculous. Here he is lolling on a dock, presumably waiting for a boat to arrive. Pants rolled up – authentic. Hat to shade from sun – authentic. Black long-sleeved turtleneck sweater – no way in hell, dude!

Beaches in the tropics are hot, man! Really hot! Unless it’s a particularly nice day in the cool season and you’re dressed in a thin layer of cotton, any physical activity more strenuous than lifting a drink to your lips will cause you to sweat like a hog – God knows what would happen if you were wearing James Bond’s sweater there. The art director for this ad should hang out on beaches more often – boo!

Well, I guess it could have been worse…

If it came down to this or the black turtleneck sweater, I'd have to go with the sweater, heatstroke be damned.

If you liked that, you might like:

• Which Island Should You Hit First?
• A Trip to Amphawa by Train, Boat and Bike
• Seen in Bangkok – Black Man Cleaning Products

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