Is Bangkok a Dangerous City?
I get asked this question a lot from friends and strangers alike, many of whom still think of Bangkok as a seedy, lawless dive filled with prostitutes and shady gem deals going on among every patch of shadows. However, as anyone who has lived here can tell you, the answer to that question is a firm but guarded ‘no’. Like any big city, Bangkok has problems, sure, but they’re filtered through unique Thai sensibilities and often come out the other end little more than a ripple; something you’d brush off as happening in any place in the world where you throw a few million humans together and say “Okay, now prosper!”. However, people are still people, and often fall victim to hype that may not present an accurate picture of things. I remember when the PAD protests were first starting to become a pain in then-Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra’s side, a friend who was about to visit with another friend emailed me, saying that she was coming alone. Apparently, her friend’s mother had heard the words ’street protests’ on CNN, and concluded that the city was under siege.
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Underrated Things - Thai 50 Baht Note
It never fails - every time I’m in a taxi, the final fare happens to be either 45 baht, or 65 baht (or something very close to these). You can either fumble with a fistful of 20’s - if you have enough - or give the driver 100 baht note, which are plentiful. If you’re lucky, you’ll get the correct change back (sometimes a fistful of coins), but quite often, you’ll get a grinning driver who tells you ‘Sorry, no have change.’ As you dig in your pocket for more, tuk-tuks and taxis are honking behind you and motorbikes are whizzing by your door - it’s just a crap scenario to be in. This is all usually avoidable if you have a 50 baht note (sometimes you need a 20 to bolster the final tally), but they’re not as common as you’d think! That’s why, in Thailand, the 50 baht note is one of my all-time underrated things.
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Bangkok Beggars - The Good, The Bad, and The Fake
Now, before I start this off, let me say that I don’t have anything against those less fortunate than us. I’ve spent more than my fair share of time taking HIV-positive kids on field trips, painting orphanage walls with mentally challenged teenagers and volunteer teaching at schools for underprivileged children. But in Thailand - especially Bangkok - being a just and noble contributor to the plight of the poor is often harder than it seems. Bangkok’s streets are full of beggars - women with babies, leper-ridden octogenarians, deformed outcasts and pitiful looking children - all holding up a cup and asking for a spare coin or two. I’m going to sound like a complete ass for saying this, but I never give. Well, I rarely give. You see, it’s often hard to spot the real beggars from the fake ones, and even the real ones are often working as part of a syndicate. It’s not easy to hear, but the harsh truth is that you may actually be doing them a favour by ignoring them. So how can you spot a person in genuine need vs a person who’s just milking his sympathy card for all it’s worth? Well, it’s not a science, but a bit of education will often go a long way.
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The Only Law They Enforce in Thailand… Usually
My friend John sums up Thailand’s version of law enforcement beautifully: “There are no laws here until there are laws. Then they’re completely unbreakable.” I remember last year when some City Hall genius decided that Bangkok taxis could only be hailed at designated spots along the streets. Signs were put up, curbs were painted and newspaper stories were printed. That lasted about 45 minutes, and today, the expensive signposts and other accoutrements are gathering dust; there are plenty of similar stories we won’t get into. So, when it was declared that from February 11, 2008 all air-conditioned spaces in Bangkok would be smoke-free, I didn’t get too giddy. Although, as someone whose lips have never even touched a cigarette (true story, mostly due to a guy who showed us his tracheotomy tube during an anti-smoking demonstration in grade 6, which scared the crap out of the entire class), I was happy to hear they were at least trying to do something. I hate cigarette smoke, and spending a few hours next to someone as they blow carcinogens in your face kind of puts a damper on the evening.
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Double Pricing: Moral? No. Legal? You Bet!
One of the first things I learned when I was teaching was that many (if not most) Thais automatically think two things about every non-Asian foreigner: 1) We’re rich, and 2) We’re Christian. As my curious students pounded me with questions, I was always amused to see their confused looks when I told them the truth, shattering the preconceptions that they picked up from their parents, friends, or very, very silly Thai television shows. I proudly told them that I am closer to Buddhism than anything else and am most certainly very, very far away from being rich. However, the stereotype still persists, and is probably a large reason for the existence of double pricing in Thailand, a practice so outrageously illegal in North America that visitors are nearly always shocked/offended/angered/saddened to see it at nearly every tourist destination they visit. Essentially, you have two choices: 1) Deal with it and enjoy your vacation, or 2) Get flustered, angry and upset and let it ruin your day.
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Underrated Things - Water
A new category! In line with the lil’ tattoo I have on the back of my chunky neck (learn, in Thai), I like learning. I don’t care what it is - a fact about bugs, a tidbit about history, an entire book on conspiracy theories - it’s all good. Often, right in the middle of learning about something new, I stop and think to myself, “This is awesome! How come no one else gets excited about this stuff?” Over the years, I’ve found that there’s a lot of things that I think are underrated, and this is an attempt to write about the little things that amaze me that usually don’t get the attention they deserve. The first one I’ll choose? Water. Simple, elegant, abundant water. For a substance that covers 75% of the Earth’s surface, makes up 70% of your body, and is vital to the very existence of the human race, we don’t give it enough respect.
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Chuck Norris: Badass
Unless you have a life, you’re probably aware of the uber-awesome website Chuck Norris Facts, a bizarrely funny site dedicated to the cheesy action God Chuck Norris who, unexpectedly, has gone from an 80’s tough guy joke to a minor web-celebrity, due in no small part to the site. Back when I was a wee lad, I remember seeing an ad for Braddock: Missing in Action 3 and thinking, even with my teenage nerd brain, “This looks lame.” Who knew? I don’t think anyone can explain his surge in popularity recently, one of those mysteries that no one will ever answer, like, why was Family Matters on air for so long, and who gave Chuck Norris his own comic book? All I know is, any guy with his own Apple widget is pretty hard to poke fun at. And let’s not forget - he’s one of the only people to have gone toe-to-toe with Bruce Lee and not get his ass totally whipped… at least not until Bruce ripped out a chunk of Norris’ chest hair at the 3-minute mark, complete with goofy 70’s ‘boing!’ drum sound effect. Ouch… that would probably hurt more than a kick to the face by Lee.
RIP George. Punch Jesus in the Nose for Me.
Today is a sad day for people who like to laugh. George Carlin, the legendary comedian and one of my favourite all-time performers, has died at 71, from heart failure. When I was growing up, I listened to Bill Cosby non-stop; my Mom had a ton of his records. They really helped to shape my sense of humour and got me interested in how to entertain a crowd with simply the power of words. As I grew older, my tastes broadened, and I got into Carlin, whose counter-culture rants really hit a chord with me. I identified with his ‘don’t like what I have to say? Fine, fuck you!’ way of looking at things, and - again - my sense of humour and outlook on life was shaped in a small way by his tapes. He wasn’t only anti-authority, he was intelligent, a combination that has for centuries been terrifying those who use fear to retain power (religion, repressive governments, etc). He eloquently spoke the truth, in all its painful glory, and didn’t give a shit what you thought. He was the first person I knew of to take what I felt about religion and put is as eloquently as anyone ever has, in his tour-de-force HBO special You Are All Diseased, which I count as one of my favorite stand up specials of all time. Rest In Peace, you miserable old bastard. And thanks for the laughs.
How to Mangle the Thai Language
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve left Thailand for a vacation back home, only to have someone ask me, “So how much Taiwanese do you speak?” When I tell them that I don’t speak a single word, the quizzical look I get is almost worth the explanation I have to give. Thais, of course, speak Thai, of which the spoken part is a branch of the Tai-Kadai language, which originated in Southern China. The written part of Thai is based on Khmer, which is based on Indic, which is based on ancient Sanskrit. So, as you can see, it’s quite confusing - and we haven’t even talked about writing or speaking yet. To many foreigners, speaking Thai is hugely challenging to do - even more difficult to do well (unless you’re a super-talented polyglot freak like Andrew Biggs, well known in Thailand for his ease with speaking Thai). This is mainly because Thai is tonal, which means that the same word means different things depending on how you say it. I want to go over a few instances and examples that will give you an idea of how much trouble you can get into if you say PEee (older person, used with respect) instead of peEE (ghost).
My first experience with the foibles of Thai came when I was teaching at an all-girl’s high school (in and of itself an interesting experience). Being teenagers, they were of course obsessed with their looks, and often asked me, “Teacher, am I beautiful?“ Whenever a woman asks you this, there’s only one answer - yes. I tried to fit in by saying the Thai word for beautiful - suay - but was often met by horrified stares. It was only later that I learned I was saying SUay (falling tone) instead of suAY (rising tone). How it sounded - Student: Teacher, am I beautiful? Me: Yes, you are cursed.
Below are a few more situations that I’ve experienced, and some words that, if said incorrectly, could land you in either a world of trouble or embarrassment, so be careful.
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Elephants in the Big Mango
For many visitors, walking around Bangkok will allow them a glimpse of many things they would never see at home, some awful, some amazing. Dudes selling fried bugs, beggars with awful diseases, bike paths that end at brick walls and an alarming cross section of social strata that would make a New York subway station seem like a Ku Klux Klan rally (I’m not even sure if that makes sense). Anyway, anything that can seem a bit odd is desirable - there are so many tourists walking around that to stand out from the crowd will guarantee you a better chance of attracting a bit more attention. One of the strangest sites that visitors can see in the steamy, crowded streets of the Big Mango (lovingly copied in reverence to the Big Apple, but with a decidedly more Asian flavour) is an elephant. A huge, lumbering, real life elephant. In Thai culture, they’re highly revered animals, praised for their strength, loyalty and intelligence - one of Thailand’s most popular beers is even named after them (see left) - ‘Chang’ is ‘Elephant’ in Thai. To see one of these magnificent creatures walking down the sidewalk next to motorcycles, taxis and Starbucks is indeed odd. Their handlers - mahouts - carry little bags of sugarcane or fruit, which they sell to tourists for 20 baht per bag, which you can then feed to the elephant. It’s neat and interesting and very, very cool - but please - don’t do it.
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