The topic of navigating inter-cultural relationships in Thailand is something that comes up a lot in books, bars, and especially on the web. In Bangkok, it’s kind of assumed that a foreigner will have a Thai girlfriend – with a few thousand of us and a few million of them, it’s simply a numbers game. (So much so that it’s still a bit odd when you see a foreign guy with a foreign girl, or even odder, a foreign girl with a Thai guy, but that’s another post). The topic was being discussed and dissected long before I was even born, but I’ve been mulling it for a while and wanted to put something down on, err, a thin liquid crystal display panel. Obviously, this post will be from the perspective of a foreigner (that’s me) and will obviously not cover both sides of the coin, but I’d like to hear what you think.
I now laugh at my naiveté when I first got here, asking questions on what to expect when I dove into the dating game. I got lots of advice – some of it good, most of it bad – but kept wondering to myself how these guys had convinced themselves that Thai women were fundamentally different from Canadian women, or Spanish women, or Australian women. “We’re all human,” I thought, “there can’t be that much difference.” Well, clearly I was an idiot, because there are differences, maybe not in any biological sense, but in the way your partner-from-another-culture (PFAC) acts, thinks, digests input, and forms output. In my meager (some would say “sad”) experience, I’ve had girlfriends from Thailand, Canada, and Europe, and there are definitely little nuances here and there that you have to be ready to handle.
I won’t get into them in any detail because I’m still slightly mystified and scared by women that would take up way too much space. But what I do want to talk about is the importance of finding a counterweight to offset those differences.
It’s not relevant yet, but read on.
I think it’s safe to say that no matter how much you and your PFAC see eye-to-eye, there are still certain details, certain elements, certain viewpoints, that you simply will not be able to bridge, and this is where you need a counterweight – something that can help settle any cultural butterflies that might rear their ugly, acid-tongued heads. For me, this is my friends.
For instance, no matter how well my girlfriend and I get along, she won’t understand what I mean when I say “This soup needs more cowbell!” while my friends will bust out laughing; similarly, her and her friends are baffled when I don’t immediately cover my head when a light rain starts to fall (Thais think you’ll catch a cold). My friends help me feel at home; they remind me that I’m not alone here, and that my goofy jokes and cultural nuances come from somewhere that matters to them too. I’m lucky in that my girlfriend understands this, and doesn’t think I spend an inordinate amount of time with my friends. She knows I need to in order to stay healthy, and in order to avoid the boredom that may come with 100% cultural immersion. I know some guys whose ladyfriend doesn’t get that, and I think it’s too bad.
There are more of these cultural counterweights – television shows, movies, videogames, and plenty of social events, clubs and discussion groups that keep you grounded to your culture, but for me, it’s my friends. Because as much as I love my girlfriend, I really do appreciate it when someone asks me if I know where Bigus Dickus is.
In my limited experience I would have to agree that you do need the counter weights. While I am generally fairly boring, the ability of your generic thai girl to sleep is truly amazing and I fairly sure it has nothing to do with me. On the other hand I have no idea why you need a cowbell for your soup so I am totally with your girlfriend on that!!!
"when I don't immediately cover my head when a light rain starts to fall (Thais think you'll catch a cold). "
I was vacationing in Vietnam with my (Vietnamese) wife and she did the same thing. It was of the utmost importance we run for our lives and get out of the street when an afternoon rain started to fall, because they believe the steam from the ground will make you sick and kill you. I tried to explain there's no science behind it, but she refused to listen.
Where does this come from? I've looked it up online and couldn't find any resources explaining it.
Wait until you have kids–there are endless ridiculous superstitions about what to do, what not to do, and what to eat, what not to eat. You'll be the lone hero standing up for science against your wife and her army of family members. 🙂
Perhaps you'd have to have been there…. But that's poetry:
Good post Greg. Like the new layout!
Hey G! Another great post, but one comment – your observations are not just limited to PFAC – what you describe is the age old "differences between the sexes". Elyssa and I go through this too, so don't for a
second think that it has anything to do with the racial differences!
Vin, that's interesting. My cousin – who lives in Seoul – was telling me recently that people there don't sleep with fans or air-con on because you can die. She said it was likely a rumor started to cover up the fact that some Koreans committed suicide in their bedrooms, which is culturally taboo there. But still.. people are terrified of fans when they sleep. We need an Asian Bill Nye. 😀
Karl – Yeah, I guess there will always be differences between the sexes, but when you add in the cultural chasm, they become even more pronounced, as does the need to connect back to the 'Motherland'. At any rate, we can all agree on one thing: men like boobs.
Well I'm no Asian Bill Nye nor Korean though I am Chinese American. Growing up I too I was subjected to a lot of hocus pocus beliefs and superstitions. Some of the weird beliefs originated hundreds of years ago like I was told never to sleep with my hair still wet or else I'll catch a cold. You'll find such advice in ancient Chinese text.
Others are more recent, for instance don't sleep with an AC or fan on. I guess us Asians are good at fabricating stuff to scare the crap out of each other. I mean really, have you seen some of the horror flicks that come out of Asia??
Greg – true enough! These superstitions, are they believed by the younger Thais? From what I've seen on you FB page, the young 'uns seem to be more… progressive than their parents might be. I agree whole heartfelt that you need to have a "relief valve" – something that centers and grounds you when the going gets weird, and I imagine that finding that outlet in a foreign culture can be a challenge sometimes – that's why it's good that Aom understands this need, as any caring partner should.
Me, I like to shoot people, but it's too cold out for that right now…
Miss you, big guy – wish we could get together for a beer!
Well, I don't have a Thai girlfriend, and I had to import a boyfriend here from the U.S., but I can still understand what you mean, just in terms of friendships. I've had really great friends from different countries, but there are some things people who aren't from the U.S. aren't going to understand. There's a real comfort in having the same cultural background as somebody…but it's not everything, as you know!
Strangely enough, I had a bit of the reverse experience: I had to fly 12,000 kms to find a woman who shares my AWESOME taste in music, even if she has been a bit slow to cotton to Little Feat.
Japanese say that the rain makes you turn bald, so that’s an another one 🙂
Just discover this blog and this note resonates quite a bit with me, after 13 years in Japan and counting (and obviously not being from here) : I definitely need my buddies to keep my sane, share some common cultural jokes and a love of cheese (ok I’m from France) that my significant other doesn’t get.
I’ll bookmark your blog, I’ll come again!
Hey Jerome, thanks! Glad to hear it’s a universal need – I imagine my wife would need a few Thai friends as well if we ever moved back to Canada. Now that I have a kid, I get out a lot less often now, but I still have my go-to friends who act as a release valve when I need to vent about expat things. 🙂